Stay-at-home mom, working mom, or just Mom?

I've been having a bit of an identity crisis lately. Well, crisis might be a bit dramatic, but I have been thinking, anyway.

In March, I lost my job. The organisation that I worked for basically lost all its funding and had to close down. This makes me all kinds of sad, seeing as the work--which I and many others consider to be very important--is now not being done; plus the people I worked with were pretty much the best colleagues you could ask for.

The thing is, in March, when this all happened, I still hadn't decided whether I was going to return to work at the end of my maternity leave. I love being home with Gus. I am so blessed to be able to spend all this time with him. On the other hand, there is so much out in the world that interests me and that I feel I could really contribute to. I have applied to a couple of jobs this summer, and during the time I was actually working on the application, I felt so excited at the prospect of regularly addressing the sort of issues I am interested in. But as soon as I pressed "save" and went to do something else, panic would rise up in my chest, and I would think that I cannot possibly go back to work. (It doesn't help that I don't like the process of starting a new job--getting to know everyone and the feeling of having to prove myself makes me nervous at the best of times).

I think my ideal job would be where I could either take Gus with me or would only have to be away for him for 3-4 hours at a time.  But where can a person find a job like this? I recently read this post at Talk Birth (via), and oh man did it speak to me. She talks about

the need for something in between staying at home and working full time (basically, that working and mothering simultaneously is the most natural and fulfilling approach, but our society does not make that combination often feasible or comfortable)

Now, I hope I don't get in trouble with any self-appointed mommy police, but being a SAHM--at least, in my limited experience and with a single child of Gus's age and disposition--is not a "full-time job" in that it does not take 100% of my mental and physical energies to do. That's not to say that it isn't tough and tiring at times, but Gus doesn't need my undivided attention 24 hours a day. He spends a lot of his time playing by himself with only occasional input from me, which means I spend a lot of time thinking about being productive, but without a good outlet for it. But if I had work that I was interested in and motivated to do, between independent play time and naps, I think I would have enough time every week to do a part-time job at home while parenting my son.

At the moment, I would say that mother is my primary identity, the aspect of myself that is top of the list, so to speak. But I don't think that being a mother means I have to stop being the person I was a year ago, that the rest of that list is now obsolete. Maybe changed, but not vanished. As long as other pursuits, be they paid work or volunteering or hobbies, add to rather than detract from my vocation as a mother, then they should be embraced. The right kind of work could definitely add to my mothering. But if women, and men, define their primary identity as parent or family member, then why is the workplace set up so that work gets top billing in terms of time and energy? Can't we fit work into family, rather than the other way around?

(I know it's cliche, but I really just feel like chanting "hey hey, ho ho, the patriarchy has got to go!" at the moment)

Maybe I just need to get more creative with my search for work, take some risks in offering my services. Or, you know, if I actually knew what I wanted to be when I grow up, rather than just having general areas of interest, that would help. I'm certain I'll sort something out in time, but it sure does take a lot of energy to get there!

6 month update—becoming mama

I realised while I was writing all about what Gus has been up to lately that there is another person in this relationship that has been doing a lot of learning and growing in recent months—me! Sometime in these past 3 months in particular, I’ve really settled into this role of mother. I certainly don’t have it all figured out yet, but I’ve started to feel like I know what I am doing. I am no longer a new, inexperienced mother who feels thrown in at the deep end with no idea what is going on. I am a cool, confident mama who has a bag of tricks and a growing stock of experience to call upon when things are tough. (Okay, I don’t necessarily feel cool or confident when I am trying to figure out why Gus has been screeching and screaming for 20 minutes, but at this moment, while he is lying next to me, peacefully sleeping, I feel very cool and confident.)

When did this all happen?  I read or hear stories about mothers’ difficult early days with their babies, and I know, intellectually, that this happened to me, but it is so far from my life now. Not that it was all hard then—we are blessed with a very easy-going baby—but I remember spending an unusual (for me, but probably not for the average new mom!) amount of time crying and can’t remember why. Gus is only 6 months old; you’d think I would be able to remember back that far. And it also makes me a little sad that I am already forgetting those little details—if I can’t remember now, what hope is there of remembering in the future? I know it’s cliché, but this all goes so fast!  I think I do a passable job of living in the moment, I just wish some of these moments moved at a slightly slower pace.

Another thing I have become aware of recently is that this is who I am. Amy: mother. Many women worry about losing themselves and their identity once they have children. For me, motherhood has gradually subsumed me over the past six months, in a lovely and exciting way. I feel like I can, if I try, trace the path backward to my old self, and it makes sense, but I can no longer imagine who I would be without Gus. The flip side is that I get confused when I think about the future and realise that someday I will no longer be a mother to a baby. I obviously will never stop being a mother, and hopefully we will have more babies in due course, but there will be a day when *this* is not my life. To someone who is just getting used to this new identity, it is strange to think that it will not last forever. It will ease away just as seamlessly as it came, till one day I wake up and realise I have changed yet again, without knowing when or how.

I don’t think I have ever been as reflective about my life as I am now. I don’t know if it is because I am at home all day so I have time (ha!) to think about these things. Or maybe it is beause I have this blog—don’t they say something about how recording an event can alter that event? Or is it merely the nature of parenthood? This life-changing event happens so quickly (I know pregnancy lasts 9 months, but how much can you really prepare for everything that a baby will bring?), you need to take time for your brain to catch up.

So this is me, as a mama. I don’t think I have mentioned yet in this post how much I love it. I guess, for me, that is just a given. I am so blessed to have such a lovely baby and an amazing husband to parent with. I, thankfully, am pretty much back to my laid-back self after worrying about every little thing for weeks and weeks after Gus was born. But one thing that hasn’t changed in these intervening months is how my heart feels like it could burst when I think about how much I love this kid.

St Monica, pray for us, that we may mother our children in a way that brings them wholeness, happiness, and life in our Lord.