What is Natural Parenting: Preparing for Birth

This is one in a series of posts about what Natural Parenting looks like in our family. See the rest of the series here.

This was an easy one for me. I have been interested in birth, both personally and professionally, for several years now. I was working as a health researcher on topics related to maternal and perinatal health at the time I became pregnant and had read various clinical guidelines regarding intrapartum care. Now, these weren’t particularly “natural”, nor would I put it on my list of recommended reading for a newly pregnant woman, but it did give me a good understanding of how birth “works” in the English medical system. Since we have midwifery-led care for the majority of women here, there is generally a good emphasis on physiological birth and woman-centred care. It also flagged up a few things, such as routine managed third stage of labour (i.e. shot of Pitocin to help deliver the placenta), that I knew I would want to research more and think about in greater depth.

St Gerard Majella
patron of expectant mothers

On the personal side, I had been following various blogs on natural birthing topics for several years. Favourites include Stand and Deliver, First the Egg, Talk Birth, and Birthing Beautiful Ideas. (I was actually reading Rixa’s dissertation on Unattended Childbirth in North America when I became pregnant. A really fascinating read if you are interested in birth culture and sociology sort of things.) My mind was made up even before I was pregnant that I would strive for a natural birth. A big part of this, for me, was to plan for a low-intervention birth, doing as much preparation that I could. I wanted to know what experiences of natural birth were like, both physically and mentally, as told by women who had already done it. I assumed that my experience, while unique, would in some ways be similar to the experiences of other women, and therefore things wouldn't be as much of a surprise during the event. 

While I was planning my low-intervention birth, I was also mentally preparing for needing to change these plans during labour. I came to realise that the most important thing for me to have a positive labour and delivery was to be able to be an agent in my own birth. I didn’t want other people to make decisions for me (unless in a very severe emergency!). I knew that I might not be able to use my rational brain as much as normal during labour, so if I wanted to be able to make my own decisions, I would have to go into labour with a lot of knowledge.  If a midwife or doctor was going to tell me that X was happening during my labour, I wanted to already know what that meant and what some of the courses of action might be. I obviously would trust my care providers to have my best interests at heart, and I didn't feel the need--or like it was possible!--to become an expert on all things birth-related. At the same time, I wanted any informed consent to be truly informed, and I felt that I could better get that information over the course of many months from many sources, rather than during the intensity of labour. 

 

So I read. A lot. I drastically increased the number of birthing blogs that I read during my pregnancy. I read several books, but made sure that the books I chose had a philosophy that was encouraging of a low-intervention birth (I didn't want a book to set out to scare me!). Some books that I found useful were

• Blooming Birth by Lucy Atkins and Julia Guderian—I remember this having a very realistic and approachable tone, with lots of practical tips for birth preparation
• Birth Reborn by Michel Odent—this was more for philosophy and getting into a positive mindset about birth than for practical tips, although his ideas (found here and elsewhere) about having a safe, relaxed space for birthing definitely influenced / increased my desire for a homebirth
• Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering by Dr Sarah Buckley—this book uses medical science to look at some common interventions in child birth, to help parents come to the decisions that are right for their family. It is definitely pro-natural birth (some might say biased), but has good information. Sceptical me did have to take some of the anecdotes on more mystical elements of childbirth with a grain of salt, though. 

Jon and I also attended an antenatal class run by the NCT, a national charity. This was a 16-hour class (spread over several sessions!) on various aspects of labour, birth, and parenting a newborn. There were 5 other couples expecting their first baby as well. The NCT generally has a very pro-natural childbirth stance (some say too much so), but our class had a really good approach of discussing the pros and cons of various interventions without pushing an agenda. For example, the leader did a very useful role-play activity to show who all the people in an operating room at a Caesarean birth are. One of the fathers laid down on the (operating) table, and the rest of us stood around him, acting as doctors, nurses, and midwives. The goal was to help lessen a parent’s anxiety if they needed an emergency Caesarean and all of a sudden had a load of people running into the room. On the other hand, we also talked extensively about homebirths. It was this class, more than anything, that helped Jon become comfortable with the idea of a homebirth.

Our Lady of Guadalupe

In preparation for what I knew would be a physically strenuous labour and delivery, I tried to keep active throughout pregnancy. I am not really an exerciser, but I do like to walk (and since I don’t have a car, I need to walk a lot, too!). I tried to continue walking as much as possible without wearing myself out. I was blessed with a fairly easy pregnancy and, once I got the iron situation sorted out, more energy than I expected. Although, when I went on maternity leave at 36 weeks, I may have taken a bit too much advantage of the possibility of lie-ins and lazy afternoons on the couch, and probably could have kept going a bit more. (I also blame this lazing about for Gus’s posterior positioning—I should have been scrubbing the floors to keep him in position like old-time midwives used to say!) While I think keeping active is one thing that I’d be more conscious of in a next pregnancy, I have a feeling it wouldn’t be too difficult with a toddler/pre-schooler to look after!


I thought about hypnobirthing or hiring a doula, but I decided against both of them. There were no local hypnobirthing classes at the time, and I didn't think I would have the discipline to listen to the tapes every day. (Plus, I think Jon would be very skeptical about hypnobirthing. While that wouldn't stop me if it was an idea I was committed to, having Jon's full support during the labour and delivery was more important to me).   We didn't get a doula because I wasn't sure if I would like another person there during the labour. I think I would seriously consider getting one for a next birth, though. I think the whole day was quite draining for Jon, so it would be good to have some support for him. He was an amazing support person for me, but there were times when I knew what I needed to do, but I needed to hear it from someone else in order to get up the energy. The midwives weren't the right support at the time, and Jon didn't have enough knowledge about birth to know specifically what to say, so I think I would like a doula to fill that gap.

What is Natural Parenting: Preparing for Pregnancy

Finally getting into my Natural Parenting series. The first practice of Natural Parenting is "Prepare for pregnancy, birth, and parenting." I have a lot of thoughts on these (so much so that I am splitting this into 3 parts, rather than one mega-post), but I'm not sure how much of it is "natural". This is partially because I didn't really know what Attachment or Natural Parenting were before Gus was born, so I didn't prepare with this concept specifically in mind, although I did instinctively lean that way. Also, I feel like we did the same thing that most families preparing for a new baby do (or at least most families with a similar cultural, academic, and socioeconomic background to me), so it feels strange to write some of it down as something noteworthy. Nonetheless, this is my story, and here is a part of it. 

Preparing for pregnancy

Our pregnancy with Gus was very much a “planned” pregnancy in as much as one can plan these things. That being said, I didn't actually do much to prepare myself for it. I started taking folic acid supplements months in advance, because I had read reports of a study showing benefit from taking folic acid up to a year before conception, and that’s about it.

I didn't do any preparation with regards to diet or exercise before my pregnancy. I was already eating a fairly healthy, mostly whole foods diet. And to be honest, I don't know if I even thought about physical fitness. Since moving to the UK, I have always walked a lot (funny how not having a car will do that to you!), so I have a pretty good level of fitness anyway. But I certainly didn't think to do any more than that. And emotional preparation was not even on my radar. I just knew I had been wanting a baby for some time, so I figured I was mentally ready!

One thing that we did do to prepare for pregnancy, in a way, was to use Natural Family Planning (NFP) to first avoid and then achieve pregnancy. It was important to me to use NFP, not only for religious reasons, but because I don't like the idea of putting artificial or unnecessary chemicals or hormones into my body. I am quite hesitant to take medications casually anyway (for instance, I would much rather just wait for a headache to go away on its own, if it doesn’t prevent me from going about my day, than take a tablet for it), so I would not like to take a daily medication unless really necessary. Plus, when we were ready to become pregnant, using NFP meant that my body didn't have to “detox” and we understood my fertility cycle. So it was really a win-win choice for us.

My current status is again one of preparing for pregnancy, although we don't have any immediate plans. Not that it would matter if we did—I am still breastfeeding Gus enough that my cycle has yet to return since his birth. So at the moment we are on God's time, neither trying to conceive nor trying to avoid pregnancy. And I kind of like it. If I had the choice right now—pregnant or not?—I don't really know what I would choose. Three of my friends who have toddlers Gus's age are pregnant, and there is a significant part of me that is quite envious. On the other hand, we are so happy as a family of three, and I love being able to focus on Gus, that I wouldn't want to rock the boat with changes. 

One thing I am keen to do before becoming pregnant again is to learn to squat.  That sounds a bit silly, but there is a rationale behind it. Squatting has numerous benefits, including being a great position for birth (it can give you vital extra millimetres in the size of the pelvic opening compared to some other positions!) and strengthening your pelvic floor muscles. Much better than doing Kegels, according to the squatting expert Katy Bowman. So at the moment I am stretching and strengthening the necessary muscles in my legs and glutes to be able to hold a proper squatting position. I just have to remember to do the exercises every day!

While I had a blessedly easy pregnancy with Gus, one issue I did run into was low iron. (Melissa at Vibrant Wanderings has a great summary about iron deficiency anemia in pregnancy, if that sort of thing piques your interest.) This led to real lack of energy (more than just normal pregnancy-related lack of energy) in the first half of my pregnancy until I started on iron supplements. I'd therefore like to increase my current intake of dietary iron, with the hope that having high iron stores at the start of a pregnancy will mean that any natural decrease during pregnancy won't lead to deficiency and the related exhaustion--something I certainly won't need when chasing after an active toddler! My only problem with this is, like doing the exercises above, I am great at making plans and less good at remembering to put them into action. It's worth a go, though!

What is Natural Parenting: An Introduction

In my “About me” section, I write that I am (learning to be) a natural parent. Natural parent isn’t a term that is heard regularly—I had never come across it until I stumbled upon the Natural Parents Network shortly after Gus was born. As I read about natural parenting and read the blogs of self-described natural parents while my newborn slept in my arms, I realised that this was a parenting philosophy that really gelled with the type of parent I wanted to be. It doesn’t (necessarily) mean that parenting a baby/toddler comes naturally to me, or that I am going “back to nature” to live like some mythical primitive woman.  Basically, natural parenting is striving to “live and parent responsively and consciously.” (NPN) Or, to use my favourite word to describe my parenting goals, it is saying that I parent intentionally.

That’s what a philosophy regarding parenting is, really, a set of goals and priorities. It certainly isn’t a list of things that I do perfectly day in and day out. We all have goals for ourselves as parents, for our children, and for our relationships with them. For myself (and Jon! although I do much more thinking about this sort of stuff than he does), I have found thus far that the ideals of natural parenting give me a good framework for setting my own long and short-term priorities.

You might also be wondering why, in the “About me” section, I have the parenthetical rider learning to be.  This is not because I think there is one right way to be a natural parent which I hope to emulate. It is more about the idea of parenting as a learning process. I do not think of myself as The Parent with All The Answers. Instead, Jon, Gus and myself (and any other children we might be blessed with in the future) all work together to figure out this thing of raising a person. I am sure I will make (have made!) mistakes, and there are things I will do differently as I go forward. But this is all part of the journey. The learning to be helps remind me that I am not going to get everything right every time, but there is no reason to beat myself up about it. With an effort to do things intentionally and a conviction to keep going and try to improve when I make a mistake, I set out to be the best parent I can.

I know that a lot of people don't like labels, as they can be restricting or perpetuate stereotypes. Personally, I like to have a label for this sort of thing because it helps me organise my thoughts around the issue and connect with people that might have things in common. I don't look at it as something that I (or anyone else) need to stick to religiously, though.. Over the next several weeks I am going to be writing about how the values of natural parenting are lived out in our family at the moment.

The Practices of Natural Parenting (from the NPN website)

• Attachment Parenting
• Prepare for pregnancy, birth, and parenting
• Feed with love and respect
• Respond with sensitivity
• Use nurturing touch
• Ensure safe sleep
• Provide consistent and loving care
• Practice gentle/positive discipline
• Strive for balance in personal and family life
• Ecological responsibility and love of nature
• Holistic health practices
• Natural learning

As this is not only a series on natural parenting, but on my own personal parenting goals and values, I am going to take the liberty of adding an additional practice encompassing the spiritual component: Raising a holy child of God.

I was hoping to write a bit about attachment parenting as a whole and its first principle, preparing for birth and parenting, today, but apparently I had too much to say by way of introduction to the series as a whole. I look forward to sharing those thoughts with you next time!

Books I'm Reading: No Impact Man

I've actually been reading books lately, wonder of wonders--I've read almost three whole books in the last three weeks! Usually I am a novel type of girl all the way, but I have gotten more and more into non-fiction the last few months. One that I have just read is called No Impact Man: Saving the planet one family at a time by Colin Beavan. I was a little wary of it when I picked it off the library shelf; there seem to be a lot of books lately that are basically "do something for a year, blog about it, turn that into a book, get lots of publicity", and there is a little cynical part of me that questions people's motives about those sort of things. But that is not very charitable of me, and I figured at the very least it would have a few pointers for greener living, so I thought why not?

And I am really glad I read it. The basic gist of it is that Beavan decides to spend one year, with his wife and toddler, making as little impact on the environment as possible. He starts off knowing next to nothing about how to do this and therefore learns as he goes, gradually making changes to his lifestyle. This seems a pretty sensible way to do things--you can't cut out everything at once, and it seems a bit silly to research things (i.e. learn how simple changes could make big differences) but not actually implement them until some arbitrary date in the future. But it does lead to some humorous / annoying occurrences. For example, the very first stage is to make no trash, which he chose with the mistaken assumption that he would be easing his way into things. Then he goes and has an existential crisis on day one over blowing his nose, and I am just thinking "Handkerchief. Handkerchief. HANDKERCHIEF!!" I mean, come on, that one's obvious, right? Apparently not to Beavan.

Overall, it was a good book, though. He did well to give background about why it is important to make less trash / use less water and electricity / travel more sustainably and how it works in a real-life family, in both good and bad ways. My favourite part was the continual focus on people and how we choose to live our lives. I sometimes get turned off by sections of the environmental brigade because they seem to want to save the planet for the planet's sake, not in order to improve the lives of the people living on the planet. I'm sorry, but I don't think the Earth would be better off if humans didn't exist. Living the best life possible seems to be at the centre of this book, and leaving the world in such a state that our grandchildren can do the same. That doesn't mean having the most stuff, but finding out what parts of modern life are adding to our lives and what are taking away from them, on both an individual and societal level.

It is all about intentional living, which I love. I'm not all about doing things just because that is the way they have always been done. I want to choose the path that is best for myself and my family, that brings us the most joy and peace in our lives. Of course, having the time, knowledge and resources to make these types of decisions about our lives is a luxury that not everyone has. The ideas behind this are touched on some in the book in the discussion of individual action versus political and corporate action. It shouldn't be "versus", but rather "in conjunction with", as both are important. For instance, I can do my part to help keep our waterways clean by purchasing certain cleaning products, but really, carcinogens and endocrine disruptors shouldn't be in our personal care products in the first place!

I wouldn't want to do what Beavan did for the book. But it has made me think more about how I can lessen my impact and, more surprisingly, examine what it is that I really want out of life.

I am *hoping* to do another post this week detailing some of the green things that I have been inspired to implement because of this book, so watch this space!

Night Owl

I started writing this at one in the morning, as a little boy charged around the room. 

Yep, he does take after me in at least one way, I guess.

After a few days where he was feeling extra sleepy, and multiple naps on Saturday, Gus woke up at 3am Sunday morning and was awake for maybe 2 hours? I don't know, I was drifting in and out of sleep. I am pretty sure I saw him awake and then lie down to sleep at about 5, but he may have been sleeping earlier than that. Either way, we let him sleep in till 10:30 (compared to his regular wake-up time of about 9am). So then he decided he did not need a nap on Sunday. And believe me, I tried! I even took a nap myself, but Gus found it more fun to play on the floor with Jon than nap with me. But Gus was in such good spirits on Sunday, I didn't worry much about it.

Then comes 8.30 pm. Gus falls asleep on my lap on the couch as Jon and I watch Poirot. We cross our fingers that he is down for the night. But after the show ends, I need the toilet--the one thing that Jon can't bring me! I attempt to extract myself without waking Gus up, but, alas, am unsuccessful. Which is why I was up till 1:30 last night.

Co-sleeping is wonderful for our family in many ways, and I am so glad that we have decided to structure our sleep this way. But co-sleeping also equals co-awake-ing. This? Not always so fun. Especially when it means that I am awake, trying to get Gus to fall asleep, and instead he just wants to crawl all over a sleeping Jon, who has to get up in a few short hours!

I decided that trying to sleep in our regular bed was just going to result in three of us awake instead of two, so I pulled the (single) mattress from the bed in the spare room and put it on the floor in Gus's room. (He doesn't have a bed in there, and I was afraid that I would forget about the limited amount of space in the bed in my sleep and one of us would fall off the bed!) Not the greatest idea I've ever had, I must say, because Gus just thought it was a cool new toy and spent ages bouncing on it. 

Oh well. We got to sleep eventually (and let's be honest--1:30 is my bedtime about once a week anyway, it's just that I usually have my "me time" rather than spend it playing with Gus). He actually woke up on his own at 10 this morning, and is down for his regular nap at the moment, so we'll see what tonight brings! 

Good night, good night
Time sends a warning call
Sweet dreams descend on all
Time, time sends a warning call

The Baby Eats. And a Recipe.

I don't know if anyone else ever feels this way, but some days, it seems like the whole day is focused on getting dinner on the table. I do the dishes, plan a meal, go grocery shopping, make the dinner, maybe do even more dishes. And then dinnertime comes...and we finish eating in ten minutes. Ugh! All that work, and for what?!

So today, I felt well rewarded for the seemingly interminable task of providing food for my family: Gus took an hour to eat his supper! We sat down to dinner (samosas and dhal), and he just looked at the food and started fussing. He had hardly wanted to eat all day; he only ate the fruit from his breakfast and lunch, plus a snack of green olives--you know, every baby's favourite food! But I just wanted those precious 10 minutes to eat my dinner and talk to Jon. So I went to get him a plum, thinking that it might occupy him long enough for me to eat. He pounced on it and chowed it down in no time. So I got him a second one. And a third. And he ate them with vigour! (They were just little English plums, so it really wasn't that much food). By the time he finished the third plum, I was done eating, and I didn't want him to eat the whole punnet in one go, so I went to get a cloth to clean him up. When I got back to the table, he was actually eating some of the other food on his tray! I couldn't believe it--I thought he was completely uninterested in the food I had cooked. But apparently, he just needed a bit of an appetizer of plums before he was ready to tuck in to the main course. So for the next 45 minutes, he ate several helpings of dhal, made a good dent in his samosa (made with filo dough instead of deep fried!), and gnawed away on some naan bread. And I had a cup of tea and some lovely dark chocolate--and plenty of time for conversation with my hubby :)

It does make me think about what and how babies eat. I think it must be really frustrating to have food that you didn't choose shoved in your face every day and be expected to "clear your plate". We only do this to children, really, but even the youngest babies must have a hankering for certain foods some days and no appetite for it on other days. Obviously Gus can't tell me what he wants, and you can only go so far to fulfill a child's wishlist anyway (based on what food is in the house, how much time you have to make the meal, etc). But I do think it is important to respect a child's preferences as much as is practicable, both to help them to have a sense of control over their own lives and to help foster a healthy relationship with food. And who knows--he might just end up devouring the food you had originally prepared anyway!


Gussy's Favourite Dhal
     adapted from Vegetarian, ed Nicola Graimes

1 onion, chopped
1 carrot, chopped
1-inch piece fresh ginger, minced
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 tsp cumin
1 tsp turmeric
1 tsp ground coriander
1 tsp mild chili powder
1 tsp garam masala
1 cup red lentils
1 14-oz can coconut milk
1 14-oz can chopped tomatoes
extra water, as needed
juice of 1 to 2 limes
salt and pepper, to taste
1/4 cup slivered almonds (toasted if you are feeling fancy; leave out of baby's portion until they can chew nuts!)
freshly chopped coriander/cilantro (optional)

In a saucepan, heat a tablespoon of your favourite cooking oil. Add onion; cook 5 minutes until softened. Add carrots, ginger and garlic. Cook 5 minutes more. Add spices and cook for 1 minute, stirring. Add lentils, coconut milk, and tomatoes. Simmer for about 25 minutes, stirring regularly, because the lentil will stick to the bottom. Add a bit of water if needed (I added about 1/4 cup). When lentils are soft, remove from heat and stir in lime juice, salt and pepper. Sprinkle almonds and coriander/cilantro on top. Serve with rice or naan.

Teeth! And the Infamous Amber Necklace

Gus is getting teeth! You may remember me saying, oh, about 100 times in the past 5 months that we thought he was experiencing pre-teething/teething discomfort. Well, the first teeth have finally arrived. Both the bottom middle teeth broke through the gums right at 8 months. With minimal discomfort. Yay! Well, we had one day of feeling poorly that may or may not have been related to teething, but we'll get to that.

Before we left the US the other week, we thought teeth might be on their way. He had stepped up the drooling and hand-chewing again, although he had done this in the past without any teeth breaking through. We arrived back to England on a Wednesday, and Gus fell asleep at about 8.30 with no problems. Jon and I, however, had to stay up and watch The Apprentice. So at 10.30, I was exhausted and ready to crash. And Gus wakes up. And stays up. Till 1 am. But he wasn't too out of sorts or anything; at first he just wanted to play, then he settled down but couldn't quite fall asleep. The combination of jet lag and teething just wasn't working for him.

Thursday came--after a long lie-in for Gus and me. Poor Jon had to get up early to work! Gus was as happy as could be, and we could see the teeth pressing up on those gums. We knew they would be out soon! Thursday was a late night again (Gus fell asleep at about 11pm), but not too much fussing/crying. And by Friday afternoon, the teeth had come through. He wasn't too interested in solid foods for a few days, but that what fine, since he had an unlimited supply of breastmilk available to him. Excellent! This teething thing is a hoot, I don't know what everyone complains about! (OK, maybe I didn't quite think that, but I was pretty thankful we, and especially Gus, had gotten off so lightly with the whole process.)

Then, a week later, and Gus starts having troubles. He fought sleep a bit, but finally fell asleep at about 11pm. I just figured he was still suffering from jet lag. Until he awoke, crying, at about 12.45. Now, Gus rarely wakes up for more than just a quick feed at night (and I am not sure he always actually wakes up for those; then again, co-sleeping means I don't really wake up either), and he almost never cries at night. So this was unusual. And, poor little man, nothing would soothe him. He didn't really want to nurse. He kept pushing me away, so I put him down on the bed, then he grabbed for me. He didn't want Jon, or a cold washcloth to chew on, or anything. This lasted for about 15 minutes until I was able to sing/rock/nurse him back to sleep. Until he woke up again about an hour later. This time, he pretty much cried for a half hour straight (with a couple minutes' break while Pa played peek-a-boo with him). We finally gave him some paracetamol, which helped calm him down enough to sleep for several hours. The whole next day, he was fussy, clingy, just overall feeling poorly. And he slept a lot, although that was surely in part due to the frequent night wakings and early morning. But there was no noticeable change in his teeth, so I am not sure if that was the problem or not. (Has anyone ever heard of the idea of the Wonder Weeks? Basically, the theory is that every baby goes through certain developmental leaps at basically the same time, and this can cause clinginess, fussiness, and general disruption with the routine. There is supposedly one at 37 weeks of age--counting from baby's due date, not birthdate--which corresponds exactly to the day that Gus was extra fussy. I have never heard of anything like this elsewhere, but, based on my sample size of one, they might be on to something!)


So what's up with this necklace?


I bought the amber teething necklace when Gus was about 3 months old, and he has been wearing it pretty much every day since then (he doesn't sleep with it at night). Many believe that amber has healing properties, since it is not a stone, but the resin of trees. Against the warmth of a person's skin, the resin supposedly releases its oils (in particular, succinic acid) into the skin, which then help ease pain and inflammation, in this case, those caused by new teeth.

Now, I don't really know if I believe that this works or not. I bought it because I don't particularly like taking pain relieving medications myself, and I really don't like the idea of giving too many to my baby. I think that they definitely have their place, I just don't like to use them for every little thing. Gus obviously can't tell me whether his fussiness is from pain or something else, but I definitely wouldn't want to give him medication every time he was extra fussy. So I thought that if there was a natural remedy that could ease the teething process even a little bit, that would be good. It's a win-win situation--he doesn't have as much pain, and I don't have to choose between giving him medication more often than I would personally be comfortable with and making him be in pain with no relief.

Some people do worry about the risk of choking/strangulation with wearing a necklace. Personally, I don't think this is a big risk for us. The necklaces are designed to be worn by babies, so there is a know tied in between each bead. When force is applied and they break, only one or two beads would fall off. The beads are so small, that he wouldn't have been able to pick them up when he was younger, and now that he can, they wouldn't really be a choking risk. I did a Google search for incidences of choking due to a teething necklace, and couldn't find accounts of any, so that was encouraging too.

Does the necklace work? Impossible to know. He has only had two episodes of being unwell, neither of which seemed to be prolonged instances of pain, and I don't know whether either was caused by teething or something else. So whether his relatively easy teething so far has been due to the necklace or just his own personal teething process and tolerance for pain, we can't know. But I won't be taking it off him any time soon, just in case!

Laid-back or lazy?

As you may have figured out by now, we're a pretty laid-back pair of parents. This parenting style, as it were, is partly based on personality and partly on philosophy. Which is to say, Jon and I are pretty chilled out people to begin with (okay, mostly me for that one, but Jon goes with the flow within his own set ways, if that is possible). But I would be stricter with myself in a heartbeat if I thought that was what Gus needed. I just happen to think that babies do well when their needs are addressed in a child-led, as opposed to parent-led, way.

In our house, this manifests itself in a variety of ways. Gus doesn't have a set napping schedule or bedtime. There is a pretty regular rhythm to each day, and I try to pay close attention to his mood and then nurse him to sleep (or attempt to, anyway!) when he starts to act tired. We have a fairly regular bedtime, but we don't force him to sleep or ignore him while he stays awake after that time. I breastfeed on demand. Solid food meals are baby-led as well, so I don't force him to eat a certain amount. I do try and encourage him to taste the various things I put on his tray, but if he is not in the mood for food, then he will just skip that meal and make it up at the next meal or with milk.

This all works really well for me. I am not the type of person who could  follow a schedule where I have to put baby down for a nap at a certain time every day--I need more flexibility in my life than that. And while some people would hate not knowing that their baby is eating x meals a day and drinking y ounces of milk, it would drive me up the wall to worry about an extra ounce here or a missed meal there.

More importantly, this seems to work really well for Gus, too. He is such an easy-going little guy. People often comment on how happy he is (or, more often, how "well behaved" he is, which I interpret to mean he seems contented). To me, this shows that the way we are doing things fits his personality just as well as it fits ours.

The thing I worry about is taking things too far. I thought about this the other night when it was 9.30 and Gus was still crawling back and forth on the bed, playing with everything he could get his hands on. I felt maybe I should have been doing more to get him to sleep. Was I, as a parent, just letting him down, and thereby nurturing a child who would never listen to any authority, never do anything but what pleased him in that moment? Sure, he's only 7 months old now, but do we need to start instilling better habits? Am I just letting him stay up late because I am too lazy to impose a bedtime?

People talk a lot about how children "need limits" and "crave boundaries". This post at Demand EUPHORIA really made me think about that little axiom. She says:

I'm still the same person as I was as a child. I have the same feelings and thoughts now as I did then. I think kids are just like adults in terms of how they want to be treated. I think people, young and old, want to have ultimate control over their bodies and their lives.

It all comes back to the idea that children are people too, and they deserve to have their feelings and wishes respected. Do I really know better than Gus what he needs at any given moment? And if he does need boundaries and limits, are these things that can be malleable, that we can work out together, as a family, as he gets older, or do they need to be imposed upon him?

I think a big part of the difficulty I have with this is that "common knowledge" says that this is what parents do: impose limits, set boundaries, ensure that the kiddos toe the line. One thing I have found out about myself in the last 7 months, though, is that the decisions I make are not mainstream (you would have thought I'd have figured this out about myself earlier in my life, but apparently not!). But just because we, as parents, are making decisions we feel are best for our family doesn't mean it is always easy to go against the cultural norm.  I am very conscious of how others might see me (I'm a people pleaser, for sure), and I think I have a fear of being labelled permissive--in a bad way.

I *think* Jon and I are doing okay parenting our little babe. But it's such a journey, this parenting thing, and I feel we constantly have to step back, take stock of how things are going, and think about what needs to be tweaked. At the moment, I'm going to say things are mostly good. But I really want to parent intentionally, doing things because they are best for our family, not because I am too lazy to do any differently.

Whatever the weather

Spring has come to England!  Well, it was here--last week was absolutely glorious, but the rain and chillier temps have showed up again in the past two days. You never know how long nice weather will last here.  The English seem to spend most of their time grumbling about how bad the weather is, then when the nice weather comes, you just hear "Well, it won't last, will it?" It's hard to just live in the moment and appreciate what you've got!

I must say, having Gus around makes living in the moment a bit easier. I think he has really been enjoying the nicer weather--I'm enjoying sharing it with him, anyway!  We played out in the grass for the first time last Wednesday. He didn't want to sit (he never does!), but I took his socks off and stood him on the grass.  I picked a daffodil for him to play with. He thought it was a great toy: bright colors to look at, nice to touch, interesting smell. But apparently it didn't taste very nice, because he only put it in his mouth once, accompanied by a rather confused look! He also played with some rocks and a rosemary bush--he kept trying to taste/smell it, and got poked in the face by the leaves.

I couldn't play and take pics at the same time last week,
so you'll have to settle for this picture from last month of Gus and a tulip :)

I really like to take him out to experience the world. We go out walking most days (some days you just need a relaxing day in!), usually with Gus in the wrap. It is hard knowing how to dress him for the weather, though. He seems so vulnerable, first as a newborn in the cold, now with his delicate skin as the sun comes up. But at the same time, I want him to be able to feel the fresh air on his face (he always seems excited by a gentle breeze!) and the lovely sun kissing his skin. And I think a few light drizzles can't hurt him, and he probably enjoys the different sensations, as long as he is warm and his clothes don't get soaked through.

So I usually end up having him in multiple layers that come on and off as I feel is necessary. I especially like to have a fleece baby blanket in the colder or drizzly weather, as it is both warm and water resistant, can cover his face from gusts of wind (although my scarf works well for that as well!), and can fold up into the changing bag when we reach our destination. It is generally not a hands-free option, though, which is why I would really like a purpose-made vest or poncho--better save up my pennies or bust out my sewing machine for one of those, though!

But in the sun, I find it a bit more difficult. I never really worried about Gus getting too cold in the winter, except maybe on the most wet and frigid of days, because I wear him under my (unzipped) coat, where he has the benefit of my body heat. But in the sun, it seems to be a choice between being covered and too hot, or skin showing, but possible harm from the rays. His skin has never known this much sun before! Plus, I almost never burn, so I can't use my own experience to gauge when enough is enough. And what about vitamin D--how much sun is appropriate for a baby's needs? I have bought sunscreen for him now, so hopefully that will make things a bit easier, but I still think I'll be adding or taking off layers every two minutes.  (As an aside, I used to worry that people would think I was a horrible mother because Gus didn't wear as many layers as a baby in a buggy would need. It took me a while to convince myself that I had a better idea of what my baby needs than some stranger on the street! Although, I think I might have to do this again with regards to the sun and heat!)

So in conclusion, I want Gus to be safe, but I also want him to have fun in the world, experience all its various ways and weathers, and not be afraid to go outside anytime it is something other than 70 degrees and sunny. I imagine this is similar to what most parents want, so why is it so hard to figure out how to get it right!? 

Health Visiting Fail

I went and got Gussy weighed yesterday—he’s at a very healthy 14 lbs 4 oz, which is in the 80^th centile!  He is now the biggest of all the babies from our antenatal group. My arms could definitely tell that he was growing quickly!

While we were at the clinic, I decided to ask the Health Visitor about some changes in behaviour that Gus had shown this week. For about five days, he had been eating all the time (i.e. even more than usual!), dirtying his diaper constantly, and not sleeping very well—napping for only about half an hour at a time and waking up more often in the night. I assumed it was just a growth spurt, but I though those usually only lasted a day or two, so I wanted her opinion on the situation, just to make sure that this was a normal variation rather than indicative of something to worry about .  Big mistake.

The HV just started going on and on about how he should be napping for 1.5 hours at a time in his own bed, he should be sleeping 8 hours without a feed at night (!), how I should just comfort him when he wakes up at night instead of feeding him, and how I shouldn’t be picking him up and/or feeding him every time he fusses because he’ll learn that he only needs to cry to get attention (as if that is a bad thing—he is learning that his parents will attend to his needs!) and I should instead pick him up when he is “good” (and we know how I feel about that terminology).

I was so annoyed. I tried to just smile and nod, hoping she would stop talking quickly so I could just leave. But I disagreed with almost everything she had to say! She didn’t seem to grasp that his naps and night sleep had been more regular and had changed.  Furthermore, I was happy with the way things were going, even with the extra wakings at night, as long as he was healthy. Maybe I hadn’t explained the situation properly, but once she started talking, I wasn’t interested in discussing it with her. (Except when she said Gus should be sleeping in his own room. I pointed out that the official recommendation is that babies should sleep in the room with parents until 6 months, to reduce risk of SIDS. She said, “Oh, I meant for naps.”)

Talking to Jon about this last night (probably better described as ranting to Jon about this), he pointed out that the advice that the HV gave isn’t unusual. Just because we have made a conscious decision to parent differently than that doesn’t mean that others don’t make a conscious decision to do the exact things she mentioned. It is true, sometimes I wish I could put Gus down napping in the afternoon and guarantee that he will stay asleep. But most of the time, I am more than happy to let him nap in my arms or in the Moby wrap. He is only going to be this little once, and I want to savour these moments. One thing the HV said was that if I lived in an African village where there were lots of people around to take care of me, then I could just sit around with baby all day, but we live in the real world. I just felt she was missing the point. I would much rather sit around with Gus than clean the house all day, and not just because I am lazy! She kept talking about how she was giving me goals to work toward. It is easy for someone like a health visitor to talk about goals, but I want to live in the moment. I don’t want my interactions with Gus to mainly be focussed on goals to achieve, unless that goal is to help to bring him up to be a loving, compassionate, secure person in this life and a saint in the next.

The thing that really bothered me about the HV’s advice was that I felt really undermined in what I was doing. I’m sure that wasn’t her intention and she wasn’t to know my beliefs.  But as I thought back on it over the course of the day, I just felt bad. I didn’t exactly doubt that we are making the decisions that are right for our family, but my confidence was shaken. And it makes me sad that a health visitor can make a mother feel this way. I am lucky that I have such a supportive husband to reassure me and that I know that the way we are parenting is a tried and true approach, even if different than the things the HV described. But it is so easy, as a new mother, to feel the guilt about what you are doing, and that should not come from the health visiting service, although several people I have talked to find that they do leave the HVs with guilt. Health Visiting has the potential to be, and in many cases is, such a valuable service. I have met a few HVs that can give you advice and reassurance about your child’s development and health while also giving you confidence in your ability as a parent. I just wish I had spoken to one of those yesterday!

In the end, I was reassured about Gus’s sleeping habits the old-fashioned way: by talking to other mums. Gus and I had some friends from the antenatal group over for coffee yesterday afternoon, and it turns out that all four of the babies have started waking up more in the night this week. (And one woman was told by her HV that babies only wake up in the night at this age when they are hungry—thanks for the contradicting advice, HV services!) Also, Gus slept much better yesterday and last night and is eating on a bit less frantic schedule, so it must have just been a long growth spurt.   I probably will go back to the HV clinic next time I have questions or concerns, but I’ll try my best not to take the advice quite so personally—and maybe avoid that particular Health Visitor!

Good baby. Bad baby.

The words we use matter.  They, and the way in which they are interpreted by others, affect people. With our words, we create an atmosphere where certain things are valued over others. It may not be our intention to do so, but it happens every day.  


As such, I have been really annoyed lately by the use of the phrases "good baby" and "bad / naughty baby", by others and by myself. Babies cannot be good or bad; they have needs, and they express the desire for those needs to be met through the only way they know how, such as crying and fussing, among other cues.  It is our job as parents to be able to respond to their cues, or anticipate their needs, and provide for them.  Obviously, we are not going to get it right all the time (don't I know it!). But it does not make a baby bad if they continue crying until their needs are met.


Often people will say something like, "Is Gus a good sleeper?"  They get surprised if I say, "Yes, he is.  He wakes up a 2 or 3 times during the night because he has a tiny tummy and needs some food or isn't used to being by himself and needs to make sure we are nearby.  But I attend to his needs, he goes back to sleep, and all are happy."  This doesn't fit into the questioner's definition of good.  So I usually just say, "Yes, thanks, we are all happy" and continue on with the conversation.


To most of us (i.e. me before Gus was born and I started thinking about these things more in depth), a good baby is one that fits in well with the way adults live our lives. Babies become good when they don't cry too much, sleep through the night, and have a generally happy temperament. This doesn't leave room for all the variety of feelings and emotions that we as adults are allowed to express. It doesn't allow children to have their own personalities. A baby that needs a lot of physical closeness with a parent isn't bad; it may be inconvenient to accommodate the child's needs in our adult-centric world, but that is not the child's fault.  I read a phrase a few months ago (not sue where, maybe at Raising My Boychick?): the radical idea that children are people. This really struck me, that babies are not just blobs waiting to become, they are real people with a personality and a full range of emotions, needs, and desires. It seems stupid that I had never realised that before, but it has really affected the way I relate to Gus.  He is not just a set of behaviours to be molded the way I want; he is a person that is trying to communicate his needs to me. (I just started reading Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, and he talks a lot about this as well.)


All of that leads me back to the beginning: if I don't think that Gus is expressing bad behaviours, but rather needs to be met, then I don't want to use words that are coded with moral undertones. I don't want him to grow up thinking he is a bad person for expressing his emotions (i.e. crying). Right now, the words I use probably don't have a lasting impact on him, but start as you mean to go on, they say. So I am trying to cut out the use of the words good and bad.  For instance, when he is finally falling asleep in the middle of the night, I try not to say good boy. If he doesn't know the difference between night and day, it is my job to teach him that.  I am not very adept at this yet, but with time, I think I will improve.  What do you think?